iowa

iowa

Never have I had such a brutal schedule. Sixteen-hour days - four of them - and having to speak into a microphone nearly constantly. I have slept a total of 12 hours in four days. My voice is all but gone, I am cold and shaky - literally feel like I am losing my mind. Unable to focus on anything at all . . . and can’t wait to go again. Not to Iowa so much, but just back - in my element - where I belong - rocking out with 8 year olds.

And I do love the traveling too - even if it just across a state line. I learn something new every time. Here is what I know about Iowa:

1) They don’t use last names. Instead, everyone has an adjective attached to their first name. I first stumbled across this phenomenon at McDonald’s on my way there. The manager was boxing up my nuggets, when I heard her call for somebody named Joey. One of the workers walked up to her, and she said “No - I meant fat Joey.” (yes - she did so). Twenty seconds later, a fat guy comes walking up to her like it is the most normal thing in the world. Within 24 hours of arriving, I also came across (and I quote) “Cute Ryan” “Depressed Kathy” “Asian David” “Rich Brandon” and “Stupid Ashley” (and when your name is Ashley- do you really need that prefix”?)

2) All public restrooms smell like an orange dreamsicle. It is true. They must pump in some sort of creamy orange opiate through the vents because . . . .

3) Every convenience service in the state is oppossum slow. We are talking 15 minutes in the drive through, cashiers that finish their conversations with co workers before ringing you up at the counter. Even when they count your change back, it is like a slow-motion version of a third grader.

4) Between the border and the convention center, Iowa is all dirt and windmills. Hundreds - maybe thousands of windmills. And you would think that with all those damn generators that perhaps they could power a gas station or two along the way - maybe a Starbucks - but nooooooooooo. The exit ramps actually say “no services available on this exit.” You’ll drive for hours before you see a dirty gas station called the “Cum & Go.” And since I am not exactly sure what that means . . . I just keep driving.

5) Iowans are cheap. When I left my state - there was a gorgeous stone sculpture - easily 12 feet high, that read “Thanks for visiting.” Tax money well spent. Iowa’s welcome sign is a guy in a dirty tank top waving a foam finger in front of a plastic sign that says “People of Iowa Welcome You.” Sounds like they are expecting intergalactic visitors. (ok I lied about the guy - but the plastic sign was real)

6) Apparently everyone in Iowa thinks they are an acrobat. Only half of them actually are . . . which I why I spent the better part of my 16 hour days gasping audibly into the microphone. It’s also why the paramedics after being called three times, just bought a plate of nachos and sat down to watch. Needless to say . . they never got to finish their food.