what i will miss

It is strange, moving out of a home - stranger yet when part of your family is staying behind. You wonder what to take, what to leave. I wonder if he will be OK with the metal brownie pan, or if I should leave the glass one. I do not want to leave him with crappy silverware, so I don't take any at all. I am not sure who picked out the mixing bowls, but he is a better cook - so he gets to keep them.

And every single thing I pick up leaves a residue of memory on my fingers. The nacho platter we got as a wedding gift, the Harry Potter movie we watched together a hundred times, just so I could fall asleep, the paint roller we used when we would stay up all night redecorating kids rooms, the orange GAP hoodie I bought at goodwill the summer we went camping and got engaged . . . there is nothing here that I can touch that doesn't make me cry.

There is so much here that I will miss. This was a good home - a great home. Messy, a bit chaotic, but colorful, and fun, and so full of love. I will miss that most of all. But there is so much more . . . I will miss the trampoline, the dogs, the way I could see the jester drawing in his room whenever I walked in the front door, hugging the prince when he came home from work, the princess' perfectly decorated room, the way he would bring me cocoa when I was up late, the way we would hang out and work on projects together, homeschooling, laughing, Christmases, knowing where my stuff is, or even where to put it in the first place, birchy, the swinging tree, the bright green playroom, the jungle gym, Easter egg hunts here, walking to school, snuggles, and being a family.

I am not sure if I am ready for this at all.

Quite certain I am not.