response

Tried to respond in the comments, but apparently it was too long - guess it's my blog anyway - so here goes:

Here is the truth:

This blog was not meant to give "insight" to my now defunct marriage. It was meant to help ME find my own insight to my past and childhood. It has since become a forum for that, and a place for me to vent when I am at the end of my rope.

I did not give you this address M. This was a personal space - not public - names were changed, there is no way you found this on your own. It was given to you, by somebody who already had the address. It's like peeking into an open window - and saying "hey you left the curtain open." But knowing where I live is not the same as being invited into the house. Nobody I invited to read this knows anyone in the ex' family (only 2 have even seen the ex - and rarely - like 10 years ago). So I am not attempting to accuse anyone - just venting.

And also - I have been told specifically that it is you that is passing on this information. I am genuinely sorry if that information is wrong - but is what I was told, and that is why I finally exploded. No other reason, just that I want him to be ok, and not have to deal with what he doesn't want to deal with.

Furthermore . . . my pregnancy has nothing to do with anyone anymore. The ex and I are as split as we can be aside from the legalities. Divorce was pending at least 12 months before this happened, and quite honestly, this baby was wanted and planned - maybe later than sooner - but definitely on the radar. And of COURSE I told him myself - that is the right thing to do. You make it sound as though I am proudly carrying this baby while still wearing my old wedding ring, getting his health benefits, and calling him my husband - which is simply not true. I waited well over a year to do this, a year during which I tried to get things legally finalized. Things are not legal, but we are as separate as we can be.

The truth is this: The reason you call what I did "cheating" is because I refuse to talk about what actually happened for 3 years before I left. I will not say more here, it serves no purpose. But it was not one incident - this did not just happen. There were 3 years of incidents that left me in tears. There were three YEARS, of attempting to fix things. This began when K was was almost 4. There were also three requests to dissolve this marriage prior to anything else.

Logistically - yes, I did fall in love with somebody before I divorced the ex. In reality, even you must have imagined that there was way more to it than that.

I am sorry that you see yourself as normal and everyone else as fucked up. I hear about you from the kids, and am truly sad that I never really got to spend time with yours. I hope you guys are happy - I really do. I try to keep to myself as much as I can, and just let everybody else go about their lives. I am pretty normal, I try to live moral life, we all mess up, but I try. The ex and I did talk a lot, and still do. He is an amazing guy, and I want nothing more than for him to find happiness.

I do take responsibility for my own actions, but there are two people in the world who really know how this went down - only two - and neither of them are talking about it - neither of them want to anymore - we just need to move on.

Are you looking for the truth that tells you why this happened? I am not talking about it. Haven't for 5 years - will not start now. People will have to get that information elsewhere. So the only part that will ever come out here is this:

When I was at the absolute worst part of my life, I met someone who became more than a friend to me. Did the ex know? Yeah he did. Had we discussed divorce prior to this? Yes. Were there serious reasons for us needing to split? Absolutely. Was one of us asking for counseling at least 3 years prior to the split? Yes. Did one of us absolutely refuse seek help, and instead "promise" they would stop? Yes. Did we present the fascade of a normal idyllic life? Of course - admitting anything less for both of us, was out of the question - we wanted it to be that way, we hoped it would - but it wasn't, and became apparent it never would be.

Everyone who reads this blog knows the truth. There is nothing anyone can say that will surprise anybody here.

My children are amazing - but before you go giving full credit to the other half for those two wonderful souls, you may want to consider who has always spent the most time with them. The ex is an amazing dad - nobody better at being their daddy - but I can't be quite so abnormal if they've turned out so well.

I can guarantee that nobody in the world has cried more than I have. For you to say that you have shed more tears than me is pretty crazy. Four of us have been devastated by everything that has happened. Other people may have been hurt - but nobody has been affected like we have.

However, as both children pointed out the other day at the park - "our lives are really not so different now. Even at the old house, we were with mommy or daddy - hardly ever both at once." It's true, and again - no need to say why, but it was.

I am sorry - really truly, if I upset you, or hurt you. It wasn't what I was trying to do. I just need the ex to find some peace. I care about him a lot. We could not stay married (he knows it as well as I do), but I still do everything he'll allow to help make his life better. I really do want him to be happy, and when I know that he is hearing things he doesn't need to, and when he tells me "I just don't want to hear about it" - it makes me sad for him. I just want him to be able to go on with his life - for all of us to get through an Easter without crying.

This is not self-righteousness - I know what my faults are - and it was likely part of the problem all along - me knowing I had so many and feeling slightly inadequate all of the time. My actions have hurt the ex, I know it. But this was not one sided, there were dire complications and for anyone to believe anything else would be extremely naive.

Both children have actually been told by ME, that this is "Mom's fault - that I made this final choice, and that if they want to be mad or upset at anyone, it should be me." They have asked flat out if the professor is the reason that daddy and I are not together. I told them both that - yes, when the professor became my best friend instead of daddy, it hurt his feelings very much and we decided to separate. I have told them repeatedly that this is my fault. Their response was the same - "if you guys had been good friends to each other - you may not have needed another best friend."

Even they saw that - even at 9 and 6 they knew, that no matter what I said, it could not possibly be all my fault - though I continue to tell them that it is.

I am truly very sorry if you are only looking for the truth here. The real truth is that I am the one who lives in this town with a scarlet letter. Our neighbors only know one side, I don't talk about anything other than the part that I am personally responsible for. This blog is (was) the only place I could vent and get out some of the emotion that I didn't even feel I deserved to have.

Guess that gig is up.