who i am

So when you finally find this blog, I'm hoping you guys will have a little distance, a little perspective, and you'll be able to figure out why your mom is the way she is (because truthfully, even I don't know). But I talked to Gram today, and she said this: "People ask me how you can be OK, how come you just keep going. Why are you not furious? Why are you not fighting back? Why don't you call people out when they are obviously doing something wrong? And you know what I told them?"

 "Nope Gram, what did you say?"

 "I said, I assume it's because she doesn't want to be a bitter person. I assume she's dealt with enough and has just chosen to focus on what is good. Then you know what they said?"

 "Nope, what?"

 "That would drive me crazy!!! I'd just have to get all of that anger out. And then I said, 'well, I assume that's why everyone in the family still talks to her - and not you.'"

 And I wish it were funny. I wish I was laughing. But it was too true. So I hope when you find this you know. Of course I get mad. Of course some things aren't fair. Of course I wish some thing were different. But the only way I know how to make my life work is to look at the good. It doesn't mean I don't see the rest, or care about it - it just means I can't live there.