october 6

October 6th is traditionally a bad day for me.

If you know me - know me at all, you will know that I never cried on that day - not publicly. I didn't cry at the funeral, or any other times when tears might have been appropriate. Instead, I told my dad to fuck off, and I stopped talking for two years.

I am not much different now.

I don't talk about her. Don't talk about what that day was like - what that life was like. But it is here. It is always here - and October 6th is the worst - it is the one day that I feel like I have a right to miss her. I still do not cry. I am just numb. Just six again - no tears - just quiet. It's like a trance that I cannot escape. No tears - just quiet, sullen, everything is foggy. I do not really see on this day, do not really hear - all of my senses are dull - like a cold, damp hell that lasts for one day.

And I am dreading it.