today

Today is the day. 30 years ago today my mom died. It can't have been that long ago - but it was. Why do I still feel six years old? How come I can still feel it? My eyes always down, staring but not really seeing. My teeth crunched together, even though there is no expression on my face. The hard, muscley feel in the back of my throat, the place where I stopped the sobs from coming out. My arms like heavy, like pillowcases filled with sand. I can still feel that - all of that right now.

But, nine years ago today I found out that the jester was on his way, and six years ago today I found out about the princess. So I watch them on the trampoline, catching the falling amber leaves, and I know that she is still here - especially today.

My mom sure does give good presents.