The MRI.
I appreciate the concern. I really do. But there is a good reason. And it is a reason that only three people know.
Since this is a top secret blog, and only two people I have ever met face to face even read this, I feel relatively safe in writing it here.
I am having a baby in August.
It is not what we planned - at least not now. We hoped that someday, after the wedding we could have another kid in the house - or at least foster some. But since the ex is dragging his feet and refuses to sign papers - it is making an actual marriage difficult not to mention illegal.
In a nutshell - that is why I have refused the MRI. THe only thing I have read about MRI's is that they can generate heat for the baby - and I figured this kid has enough of the deck stacked against him, being the bastard child of a near-40-year-old mom, and a 57 year old father. I'm not going to boil his blood on top of it. Maybe, in a few weeks, if things don't get better, I may have no choice. But by then, the baby will be stronger, and it will not be as much of an issue.
I am not sure why I have been so reluctant to share this news . . . nobody knows - not my kids, my brother, my family -nobody except me, the professor, Treats and the director. I think it is because when I look at this scenario - this wacked-out, f-ed-up scenario - I can't believe it is me, can't believe that I have put myself and my kids here. For the love of god - I didn't even have sex until I had an engagement ring on my finger (true fact). Granted, we did end up breaking it off eventually - but STILL.
I go to church. I tell the truth. I try really hard to live a very moral life - and always have - so being here is a surreal experience. On the surface, our family life is very normal. The kids consider the professor part of the family. The word "Daddy" had slipped out more than once when they hug him. We play board games on Friday nights, do homework at the kitchen table. eat dinner together almost every night. People assume he is my husband - that's how it is.
But the reality is different. I am married to a guy who is literally too lazy to let go. He has not worked since May, and just applied to extend his unemployment. HE is going to move into a rent-free situation, and yet wants me to assume all marital debt (even though he never allowed us to have a joint checking account, and was the primary bread winner - he made over 80% of our income). He pays sporadic and meager child support - even though I have the kids the majority of the time.
According to the lawyers - I should be getting about 1,500 per month from him. I am asking for $125 until he gets a job, and for him to pay off any old bills we might have. I don't feel like I can give in on this. I haven't even asked him to pay the premium on the kids health insurance - I am doing that. I pay for everything - everything. All I want is for him to sign - and pay the bills he should have paid a long time ago - when he was working and I was not.
He says no. He says the professor is "rich" and can support us all.
And until he says yes - I am still the unmarried, semi-crippled mother of a bastard child.
This was not in my master plan.
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4 comments:
Seriously, if you use that "bastard" word ever again, I'll slug you and wash your mouth out with soap. Unplanned, perhaps...but not outside of the confines of a loving relationship.
The ex can't keep you from being in a loving, committed relationship...just from calling it something that our society deems acceptable. Don't give him any more power than he deserves.
Hang in there, my friend.
Yeah really, bastard?!? Knock it off. And, am I allowed to let out an excited WHOOP!!! for the new baby? Either way "Whoop-whoop!!!". \m/
OK - here is the thing.
This baby is wanted, loved, and likely will be spoiled by two doting siblings, and parents who know this is their last hurrah.
But there is no denying that the old homeschool crowd is not exactly gonna throw me a shower - there is a bit of a stigma associated with this. And when we go to get the baby baptized - and they say, "is your husband here with you?" and I have to say, "No, my husband couldn't be here - but my baby daddy is" - it's gonna be a bit awkward.
And yes Melanie - you can whoop - I did. Thank god you talked my dad into giving me that glider when Noah was a baby - this will be kid number three that falls asleep in that thing.
OMG...I haven't been to a baptism lately when they ask the mother if the "husband" is here. If that's how they do it at your church, come to mine. The love of a child born into a committed relationship is what is celebrated. The miracle of a baby is celebrated, not some antiquated social regulations.
It's also okay to very graciously bow out of a baby shower if you're uncomfortable. However, these may just be the people who you want to celebrate with---ones who would overlook such uppity societal rules.
I think Melanie and I need to keep "thwopping you upside the head" until you get all these bizarre ideas out of you...once and for all!
xoxo
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