ethan

Sometimes I write just so I can start writing again. Even when I have nothing important to say.

I saw Ethan at church on Christmas Eve.
Ethan was my best friend in high school - a year older than me - handsome, hilarious - and secretly - I knew that someday we would be together.

He is 17, I am 16. I had loved him forever (or at least since 8th grade). He is the boy who will hold my hand as we run down the hill to the river. It is dark and he gives me a piggyback through the woods. We've seen a possum here before - and I do not want to meet another.

We get to the boat - his family's private beach. The moon is out the waves are quiet and it is just us - it is this way a lot. We talk about everything - well almost everything.

Tonight it is school - college. He has his picked out - and he has picked mine too. "It really is the best one for you Bo," he says. He always calls me that - nobody else does - just him. "There is a lot of theater and music and dance stuff."

We skip stones on the water. "Well why aren't you going there then?" I ask, "You are better at all of that than I am."

"That's true," he says, grinning at me. It is a point of contention - I have beaten him twice for MVP in speech team - he's one ahead of me in music. "Actually," he says, thunking a heavy rock over the edge of the boat, "It is just who you are. I am meant to do something else, but this - this is where you belong." He is crazy. I am working on three political campaigns, managing one of them, teaching the ninth grade civics class - I belong somewhere like that.

But he says it again, "Really Bo - you need to check it out." He is quiet for a minute, and then says, "even though I will miss you."

I look out at the river and then back to him. He is close, and I cannot look away from him, because I have wanted this for so long.

He kisses me. Right on the lips - like I always hoped he would. We break apart and his eyes find mine. "You really wanted that kiss didn't you?"

I am silent - wordless, and I nod.

He smiles. "Was it everything you dreamed it would be?"

I look down at the bright moon in the water, and then back in his deep green eyes. A smile creeps across my face and I shake my head. "Ethan, it was horrible."

His smile turns into a laugh and he says, "Yeah - it was pretty bad wasn't it."
"Yes." I push him off the boat into waist deep water.

He laughs out loud, shrugs and says, "Well consider it a gift. At least now you won't wonder for the rest of your life."

And he is right - because when he gave me the worst kiss of my life, he gave me the best gift. He showed me what I didn't want. When I saw him at church - with his wife and his son - the son with the same green eyes, the same infectious grin - I was happy for him - for all of them. And for me too.