take it

He won't take it. I have offered if four times and he just says, "no."

We have the same blood type - we would likely be a good match. He just will not take it. He tries to put it off - telling me that it is a terrible operation. He tells me about the part where they saw you in half. He reminds me how much it hurt to have my wisdom teeth out. He says it is a hundred times worse. But he is making it up - because he wouldn't know - he hasn't had that operation yet.

He says that I need to be strong for my kids - that he cannot jeopardize me - them - our life together. But I am smart and strong - and have no intention of smoking cigarettes or buttering my steaks. I will be fine. I can do this - actually it's all I can do. If I cannot do this - I am just giving up.

I just tell him that it is OK. That I can handle it. But what I do not say is this: When they cracked open his heart - when I held his hand in ICU for 6 sleepless days, when I heard him praying in his sleep, when I heard him beg for morphine, when I had to watch the nurse jump start his heart, when his eyes pleaded with me just to stay there . . . .that was the hard part. Harder than giving up a stupid kidney.

I do not tell him that I would rather be cracked in half laying next to him - even if it is all for nothing. That would be easier than watching him suffer. So really - I am not being that brave at all.